The Five Reasons
by mrsc.p.colfer
Summary: Why Blaine Anderson Wouldn't Marry Kurt Hummel by Mercedes Jones and Rachel Berry. Kurt never left Dalton. One day Kurt makes an unexpected discovery in Blaine's dorm while making a routine inspection.
1. Chapter 1

5 Reasons Why Blaine Anderson Wouldn't Want To Marry Kurt Hummel Under Any Circumstances - By Rachel Berry and Mercedes Jones

It was February the 8th when Kurt found it.  
The thing.  
Oh god.  
Why would Blaine do something like this. WHY?  
Kurt always knew Blaone loved cliches and was (although Blaine vehemently denied it) a hopeless romantic, but still. Dear god, no-one could be this hopeless, could they?  
Apparently they could, and apparently Kurt was dating the worst sap on the planet. Blaine had managed to usurp Edward from Twilight. All Blaine needed was god-like hair (which Kurt wouldn't object to - anything to fix the helmet hair Blaine insisted on sporting) and an obsessive fanbase which took every word Blaine spoke as the gospel. Which Blaine sort-of had in the form of the Warblers.  
Kurt was dating the non-vampire version of Edward Cullen.  
Oh dear gaga.  
But back to the matter at hand. When Kurt had been picking Blaine's uniform up off the floor (honestly he was such a teenage boy sometimes) a small box had fallen out of the blazer pocket.  
A small ring box to be precise.  
And when Kurt had opened it up with shaking fingers, he had promptly dropped it with a gasp.  
Because nestled in the box had been the gaudiest ring Kurt had ever seen. It physically hurt him to look at it. Rachel Berry herself would had run screaming from it.  
A week before Valentine's Day, Blaine had a secret ring in his blazer pocket. One that was a real diamond, but cut into the shape of a pink heart and had forever carved into the side of the band.  
Kurt shoved it away and turned and sprinted to the nearest bathroom.

"Boo, it can't have been that bad"  
Mercedes, Kurt and Rachel were having a sleepover in Kurt's house. They were up in Kurts room and Kurt had just filled the girls in on the travesty that was 'The Ring Incident'.  
"'Cedes, you didn't see it. It was like ... it was like ... it was like a five year old girls dream come true."  
Mercedes whistled. "Sounds pretty serious"  
Rachel scoffed from the seat beside her. "Pretty serious? It's worse than the possibility of me not receiving a Tony! And thats saying something!"  
Mercedes rolled her eyes at Rachel's dramatics "Honey it's not that bad ..."  
"Not that bad? It's World War 3 waiting to happen! Blaine will propose to Kurt when they're still in High School ON VALENTINE'S DAY OF ALL DAYS with the ugliest piece of Jewellery this world has ever seen Kurt will be sucked in by Blaine's puppy-dog eyes and agree they'll probably be married before either of them start college and have a really cheap wedding with suits bought OFF THE RACK and when Kurt becomes famous and people ask about the wedding or see the ring they will look at him with eyes full of such pity that he will eventually stop talking and his voice will be so neglected it won't work anymore so he won't get anymore roles on Broadway because he can't sing anymore so he will resort to begging on the streets in really unfashionable clothes because he will have sold everything he owns except that ring because Blaine will use the puppy-dog eyes on him if he tries to sell it and then people will look at him with pity because he's on the streets AND because of that ring and he will feel so bad he will die."  
Rachel finishe off her rant with a flourish and Mercedes looked at her sceptically. Kurt however had started crying sometime around the words "off the rack".  
"My gaga ..." he whispered "You're right. I am going to be subjected to a life full of pitying stares ..."  
Kurt then proceded to have a full-on breakdown on the bed. Finn, who happened to be passing by Kurt's room, looked in with eyes full of concern. "Everything alright?" he asked. Kurt looked up from his fit on the bed.  
"No Finn. Everything is not alright. I am going to spend the rest of my life on the receiving sympathetic glances and being a topic of gossip for people to look down on and I will have to act like I am happy this has happened and that accepting that atrocity and wearing it has been the best thing that ever happened to me when in fact it will be the cause of my destruction and untimely death!"  
Kurt threw himself back down on the bed while Mercedes and Rachel tried to comfort him while shooting Finn glares. Finn stood awkwardly in the doorway for a minute before mumbling something about crisps and leaving.  
After a few minutes Mercedes sighed  
"There's only one thing you can do Kurt." Kurt looked up at her from his position on the bed and frowned.  
"What is there to do? It's hopeless 'Cedes I can't turn him down - have you seen his puppy-dog eyes? They're prize-worthy 'Cedes. PRIZE-WORTHY! You try to reject prize-worthy puppy-dog eyes."  
Mercedes looked at him. "Honey, why don't you break-up with him?"  
Rachel and Kurt gasped simultaneously.  
"'Cedes! How could you say such a thing? Kurt loves Blaine."  
Mercedes looked at Rachel. "Well, if he doesn't end it with Blaine, he will have to marry Blaine which will result in his ... what was it you said Kurt? ... Oh yeah, 'untimely death'. But if he isn't with Blaine, then Kurt can live out a long and full life. Your choice Kurt."  
Kur sighed, fiddling with his pjs. "I just never thought it would end this way" he muttered.  
Rachel gave him a sad smile. "Well, your boyfriend - with good intentions - picking out hideous excuse for an engagement ring for you when you're both only seventeen and planning to propose to you on Valentine's Day of all days, which would ultimately lead to your premature demise is a hardly an easy thing to predict sweetie."  
Kurt sniffed. "You have a point girls. I guess this is the end of Klaine.

(A/N I am a die-hard Klaine shipper. There is no way in hell I would break them up don't worry :D)

There was a moment of silence between the three, until Rachel had a sharp intake of breath. The other two looked at her in confusion.  
"What if ... he uses the puppy-dog eyes when you are trying to break up?" she dramatically whispered.  
Kurt and Mercedes hadn't thought about this. There was another silence as they all thought about what could happen. This one was broken by Kurt face-palming.  
"Oh gaga," he said "The Warblers".  
They probably wouldn't take to kindly to their lead soloist being broken-hearted. Kurt shuddered to think of what Wes and his gavel might do.  
Kurt shook his head. "There is no way I can break up with him. Not with them."  
Rachel and Mercedes pondered this. Kurt was about to go pick out the one outfit he would be allowed to keep when he was turned onto the streets,when Mercedes snapped her fingers.  
"What if you don't break up with him?" she said. Kurt and Rachel shared a confused glance.  
"We already established this 'Cedes. I would die an untimely death, remeber?"  
Mercedes shook her head. "But what if you weren't his boyfriend anymore?" she asked.  
Rachel blinked at her. "Kurt would die anyway because Wes would kill him with his gavel ..." she said slowly. Mercedes smiled "Not if Blaine breaks up with Kurt" she grinned, finally getting to the punch. Kurt looked at her with hope in his eyes at a chance he could cone out of this horrid turn of events alive unti reality hit him in the face. "Won't happen." he saud glumly. "He won't break up with me anytime in the next five days if he's ready to pop the question."  
Rachel grinned evilly at this. "But what if we change his mind?" she asked "What if we make you the most awful boyfriend on the planet so that no man in his right mind would want to spend forever with you?"  
Kurt glanced between the girls "It'll be hard" he warned them "I am possibly the best boyfriend ever, but" he sighed "it's worth a shot, I mean, what have I got to lose? Except, you know, my life if this doesn't work."  
Rachel and Mercedes smiled creepily at the same time."Trust us" Rachel said "It'll work" Mercedes finished.  
Using Finn, Puckerman, and every other boy the girls had dated as information, they compiled a list of the five best ways to lose a guy and named it "The Five Reasons Why Blaine Anderson Would Not Want To Marry Kurt Hummel Under Any Circumstances" - by Mercedes Jones and Rachel Berry.  
When it was finished the girls looked proudly at the work, while Kurt examined it with a look of faint horror.  
"I can't do any of this." he whispered. "It's too awful."  
Rachel laughed maniacally. "It will do the job" she said "and then some" mumbled Kurt.  
Rachel clapped her hands together. "Alright" she shouted "Let's get to work."

Becks


	2. Chapter 2

After a night of planning, Kurt was back at Dalton. Rachel and Mercedes had kept him up for hours rehearsing lines to use today. He had a little piece of paper in his pocket which was full of the worst pick-up lines this world had ever seen, ranging from innuendos that had been proven to make a person cry (Finn had been the unlucky lab rat the previous night) to the cheesiest lines that would (hopefully) make even Blaine run a mile. Kurt squared his shoulders and marched down one of the many corridors in Dalton, muttering to himself as he went.

Jeff was texting Nick as he hurried along the hall to get to class. He hadn't been looking where he was going, and banged into a random figure. "Sorry," he mumbled not even glancing up.

"Baby, wanna ride my escalator?"

Jeff froze. What? He turned and looked at the person who he had bumped into. It was Kurt. Kurt Hummel. The baby penguin. Who was dating Blaine. Who most definitely did not ask Jeff if he wanted to 'ride his escalator'. Absolutely not. Jeff shook himself and kept walking.

Kurt had been chanting of lines to himself the whole way through the first three classes and was fairly sure he could now be considered a dictionary for cheesy lines. But now, now came the part he dreaded. The part where he took all of that knowledge and used in on poor, unsuspecting Blaine. He sighed dramatically, earning a look from other students in the hall, and took his sweet time getting to the cafeteria.

Blaine walked into the cafeteria and gazed around hopefully for Kurt, but unfortunately he wasn't here yet. Blaine sighed quietly before going to sit next to Wes and David. Wes immediately turned to look at Blaine.

"How's the day going from down there?" he smiled.  
Blaine sighed. Another day of making fun of his vertically challenged state. Yay.  
Blaine heard a chair scrape out beside him and twisted a bit so he could see who was sitting next to him. It was Kurt, and Blaine perked up at this. He kissed Kurt on the cheek sweetly.

"Hi sweetie, how's your day been?" he asked. Kurt just shrugged before pulling at his lettucey-thing. Blaine shared a glace with Wes and David. Something was wrong.

"Kurt what happened? Is everything okay?" he queried, letting concern colour his tone.  
Kurt looked up at him.

"Im alright honey, everything's fine. But not as fine as you."

Blaine looked alarmed and could feel Wes and David sharing his concern.

"Kurt, you don't look ... fine ... and you're speaking really weirdly, are you sure nothing's wrong?"

Kurt mentally hit his head on the tableout of embarassment of what he had said - in front of Wevid, not just Blaine - but outwardly tried to act relatively calm, as if sounding like the worst rom-com ever was a daily occurence for him.

"Baby, the only sick I am is sick of all these layers."

Blaine blanched, Wes' eyes almost bugged out of his head and David looked physically ill. After a heavy moment of silence, Blaine said with a shaky voice.

"Kurt I'm gonna take you to the nurse now, 'kay?"

Kurt shook his head vigorously.

"What? No I'm good. Just a little ... hot."

Kurt batted his lashes at Blaine suggestively. Blaine stared at Kurt, David at the table, and Wes out of the window as if considering jumping out of it to escape of this uncomfortable conversation.

Blaine took Kurt's hand and led him out of the cafeteria. Wevid sat in silence for about ten minutes trying to process what just happened. The silence probably would have lasted longer had it not been for Nick and Jeff thumping down next to them at the table and babbling about some random nonsense.

Nick finally noticed Wes and David hadn't moved since they had arrived and blinked at them, confused.

"Who died 'round here?" Nick said. David stopped staring at the table long enough to look questioningly at Nick.

"My life hasn't been threatened by the gavel once since I've arrived, and I've been here about five minutes, so what possibly could have happened to Wes?" he said by way of explanation.

Wes and David locked eyes as if trying to decide whether or not to tell Niff the awful truth, before David spoke quietly of what had happened.

After a moment of silence Nick shook his head.

"I don't believe it" he said "Kurt wouldn't ..."

Before Wes or David could argue, Jeff said in a small voice "It's true Nicky."

Three pairs of eyes turned to look at him. Finally Nick said "How do you know?"

Jeff looked at the boys before taking a shuddering breath.

"Kurt asked me if I wanted to ... 'ride his escalator' this morning."

Nothing was said for a long time. Wes was the first to break the dreadful silence with a quiet "What?"

Jeff told the story of what happened that morning. "I didn't think it actually happened at first but ... this piece of information has proven it to in fact have happened."

Yet another silence took over the whole warbler table. Some time after Kurt and Blaine had left all the other warblers stopped pretending to have their own conversations whilst eavesdropping and now just full on stared at what was happening. Not a single one of them knew what to say.

Thad spoke up first."What will we do?"

This somehow revived Wes. "Nothing." he snapped. "As long as Kurt can still dance and sing, nothing is wrong. So he may have had some sort of mental issue now, as long as he is still a countertenor, nothing else matters. Now, everyone, go get your books ready for class."

As they all scrambled off in different directions, Wes slumped back in his seat.

"He'll still be able to sing, won't he Davey?" he asked.  
David shrugged "I don't see why not," he said.

Wes nodded. "Good. It would have been a nightmare to find someone to take his harmonies."

Kurt slumped back in the bed in the nurse's office. Blaine had left some time ago with a very worried expression on his face. It may have had something to do with the star wars reference Kurt had made, or the lollipop metaphor. Either or really, 'cause one was as bad as the other.

Kurt thought back on all he had said today, with a shudder. After Blaine had taken him away from the guys ... some of the things he had said to Blaine were too terrible to ever repeat. Blaine had left looking emotionally scarred by them.

Kurt grabbed his phone out of his pocket to where Rachel and Mercedes had been listening to everything he had said to Blaine.

"So ..." he started, "How do you think that went."

There was a short pause before Mercedes said "Boo, I feel sick to my stomach just listening to that and I knew what was going on."

"So it was a success then?"

"HELL YEAH!" screeched the two girls so loud that Kurt pulled the phone away from his ear with a grimace.

"Great." he said.

After a few minutes of letting the girls gush about how absolutely awfully cringe-worthy some of the things he said were, he hung up with the promise of calling them the next time he ran into Blaine. He lay back in the bed the nurse and Blaine had made him lie in. If he had to miss class, he might as well catch up on some sleep.

"... And then he asked me if I wanted to 'join the darkside' and that frankly insulting Obi-wan reference. I felt appalled on the behalf of all Star-Wars freaks this side of the galaxy." Blaine finished with a flourish.

After class had finished that day he had run as fast as his little legs would carry him to get Niff and Wevid to discuss Kurt's mental state. (In the French room)

The four boys thought about what Blaine had told them for a moment before Nick said "Since when does Kurt watch Star Trek?"

"Star Wars," Jeff corrected him.

Nick shook his head "No, he definitely mentioned a  
cardassain."

They all thought back on what Blaine had said Kurt said.

Wes frowned "Since when does Kurt watch anything sci-fi?"

Blaine tapped hos chin thoughtfully. "Once I tried to get him to watch Battlestar Galactica,"  
he commented.

David looked up. "How did that go?"

"Not very well."

"Whad'ya mean?"

"He threatened me bodily harm if I didn't turn that crap off as soon as possible and which of the 13 scarves went best with the red jeans, or should he change the jeans to a pair of identical red jeans which were 'completely different Blaine, honestly.'"

"So ... not well."

"Kurt and sci-fi mix as well as Wes and his girlfriend."

"So not well at all then?"

Wes looked up from the ground and glared at them. "Hey! Me and Thalia get along just fine."

Blaine stared at Wes for a second before saying "Two things. One - you broke up with Thalia a month ago. You are now dating a girl called Louise. Two - there are three people in your relationship Wes, it was destined for failure."

Everyone in the room including the French teacher looked at Blaine quizzically.

"Wes, Louise - and April." he explained.

Everyone nodded in understanding, including the French teacher, and 'went back to their business', aka, kept eavesdropping.

Wes held up his gavel reverently. "Ah April, never fear my love, no woman could ever replace you!"

Blaine nodded sadly. "My point is proven."

Nick acted as if that whole tangent hadn't happened and continued roughly from the part where they all came to the realisation that Kurt never watched or liked any sci-fi.

"So ... why is Kurt suddenly going all 'dirty-talking-nerd' on us then?"

The Warblers all struck poses which suggested they where deep in thought (even though most of them probably weren't). After a long period of time Wes gasped dramactically and clutched a hand to his heart for effect.

"You don't think he's ... doing a 'Friends' on it, do you?"

The obsessive Friends fans all reacted immediately with fear in their eyes, simultaneously crying out phrases such as "No!" or "The end is upon us!" or "Why God? WHY?"

Most of the room however stared blankly.

Wes sat back in his chair and put a pen in his mouth acting as if it was a pipe.

"It was somewhere in the first two seasons." he began. "Aye, I remember it well. Ross and Rachel had just started going steady."

David leaned over towards Nick. "Going steady?"

Nick looked at him "I was more focused on the sudden Scottish accent."

"... And so Rachel walked into Ross' room dressed up as Princess Leia to fufill his fantasy, but alas, misfortune was upon them as Ross suddenly pictured his mother scantily clad and it was implied that no action took place that night."

Wes bowed his head after finishing his epic tale. No one spoke for a moment until -

"So ... Kurt was to dress up as a fictional character so Blaine will imagine his mother seducing him?"

The whole class slowly turned to look at Jeff. He shrugged. "Did anybody get anything else from that story?"

Wes blinked at him. "Jeff! Don't be so tactless! You can't just say something like that in front of Blaine, he's taking the story hard enough without bringing his mother into this!"

Everyone turned yet again but this time to Blaine. He was huddled up in his seat shivering muttering about 'the darkness".

"That's his fifth mental breakdown this year," David mused as they all watched Blaine now attempt to 'hide from the voices'.

"And only three where because of Kurt." Nick supplied.

Wes walked over to Blaine. Come on, lets get you to bed," he whispered before wrapping his arm around a whimpering Blaine and the five boys exited the classroom.


End file.
